My heart............

This is where I still am in life........on hold...........

I originally wrote this back in Dec. but just now decided to start a blog with my feelings, my thoughts, my heart, once again throwing out this plea for humbling prayer now beings it's April.............

Dear Family and Friends,

I have thought about how to share this for months and finally, I've decided to write it, so here goes......

I am not good at showing emotions, sharing feelings, touchy feely, etc... but I feel led to share a part of my life with you that is a very personal, emotional, minute-by-minute thought in my mind. I do this not for individual attention but because I know that in doing so, your faith will lead you to lift my situation and family up in your prayers. Our Bible says that there is ultimate power of prayer in numbers. I've chose to reach out and ask for prayer that God's Will be done.

I truly believe that noone knows how much the death of a newborn baby destroys the soul of a mother, changes their view of the world, strips them of their selfworth, alters relationships with loved ones, etc... unless they themselves have experienced it. Unfortunately, those of us who have play a good role of putting on a convincing mask and fake/pretend that things are allright and that we're healthy. We do what we do to get through each day. When in all reality, every minute of every day we are consumed thinking of our loss. Almost every situation, comment, story, etc...reverts back to our loss. (i.e. seeing others expecting-toting a newborn/carrier or pushing strollers, seeing baby shows/commercials, thinking back to when we bought something and at the time being pregnant, birthdays of any kind, listening to the news about mothers neglecting their children, receiving junk mail for maternity insurance, etc....)

When we lost Adam 6 years ago, we had the hope for having another babe--not to take his place or help us forget him but to redirect our minds so we weren't dwelling on his loss. When we found out we were unexpectedly expecting Aaron, we shared with my OB that we wanted to have a tubal ligation. She went ahead and (as my new OB puts it) unethically did the TL, knowing we had already lost Aaron. Obviously, due to that and other issues of neglect to me as a mother, I switched OB/GYN's post delivery. On my first visit, to remove my staples from c-section, they could not believe she had truly done a TL. On my 6 wk release visit, the PA could tell I was emotionally drained and brought up the option of a tubal reversal. I had shared that I just didn't know how to go forward without the hope of another babe. I just felt like I wasn't finished and point blank didn't want to end my childbearing on a failure. She gave me the name of another OB/GYN in who actually does the surgery and I was meeting with him 2 weeks later. I had my tubal reversal surgery July 21, exactly 12 weeks after delivering Aaron.

WHEW....I am now at the main reason why I am writing you all. We began trying to conceive in October. After not being on a regular ovulation cycle by any means, (I'm certain all the stress hasn't helped matters) I was put on provera to try and get regular. Beings it's now April, I am asking for your prayers for God's Will.

Wholeheartedly I physically and emotionally long to be pregnant and deliver a healthy babe. I honestly believe and know that if it's meant to be, it will happen. If it's not meant for me to physically bear another child, there are other options we've discussed. I know that God's Will will prevail, not mine. I pray daily that I can be healthy and accept His will, whatever that may be.

I greatly appreciate your words being lifted. I'm not good with asking for help/assistance and showing that 'weaker' side of myself, but this being such a heart matter pushed me to be humbled and ask. I love you all for your support.

In Christ's Divine Love,Penny