Where I Used To Have A Heart.........

by Martina McBride

Lyrics
(Craig Bickhardt)

Where I used to have a heart
Feels like a mile wide ditch
I got a hole inside
The doctor just can't stitch
Gone without a trace
You left a hollow place
There's not a stone to mark
Where I used to have a heart

There were times when I would hold you
And feel the pounding in my chest
Now I'm just as empty
As a canyon way out west
That's how deep I love you
Babe, I love you still
To the bottom of this space
I'll never fill

I guess I'll learn to live with
A different kind of pain
I'm suffering from a sickness
That I cannot give a name
Such a strange sensation
I've never felt before
Missing you has cut me to the core

Where I used to have a heart
Feels like a mile wide ditch
I got a hole inside
The doctor just can't stitch
Gone without a trace
You left a hollow place
There's not a stone to mark
Where I used to have a heart

Today was the day..........I cleared the changing table of all of Aaron's things. Exactly 1yr, 3mo, and 3days later.......since he's had his wings.

I will be watching kids again this school year here at the house and they'll be here in 3 weeks. I will have the same group plus 1. A dear friend of mine had a baby boy in May so I will be watching him along with his sisters. (I had them last year as well.) So........that means lots of diaper changes.

I did ok until I came to the outfit that I received from a friend with a baseball on it knowing how much time we would be spending at the ballpark. This romper was the perfect color or blew to match the girls' uniforms.

Then came the clothes he should be in right now. A friend and a cousin's daughter had given me tubs of clothes their boys had outgrown so I had his wardrobe for the year on the table.

I had given all my newborn diapers, both packs, to my friend Mel at the end of May for her new arrival, but I missed one.

I am at ease watching Hunter. His mama is a dear friend who has been a huge support to me through both Adam's loss and Aaron's. She was on a medical leave back when I was pregnant with Adam and asked me to substiture during her extended leave. I began teaching for her in October and Adam was born January 11. So we went through it together. Then again last year, I was teaching Kindergarten and she was teaching 1st Grade. She had been in to check on me earlier in the week, asked me how I was feeling. Unbenounced to me, she had had a dream the night before that things didn't go well with Aaron's birth. So after he was born and we lost him, she went with me to the memory place and shared this with me. We were both in tears and just broke down. She felt guilty about not saying anything to me. I know how much she loves her children and wanted a baby boy after having 2 girls herself and a step-daughter. It will be the first time that I've held a babe in my arms since Aaron. I'm sure it will be an emotional first couple of weeks but I will get used to it.

It's not these parents and babes that make me angry. It does make me jealous but doesn't make the anger swell in me. It's the parents like the lady I heard about on the news last night. She had gone to the hospital for complications, found that she had delivered a baby but couldn't find the babe. They finally found it in the backyard buried and after more searching, they had found 3 more babes, not full term, buried there also. WHAT is going on in these peoples' heads? There are those of us who are ACHING to have a babe and here she is making these choices. These ARE the parents that make me angry.

I want another babe. To fill the hole where I used to have a heart. I don't want to do adoption, $10,000-$30,000. I don't want people in my home nosing around telling me what I can and can't have nor telling me if I am a good mother or not. I AM a good mother. I don't want to do invitro $10,000. I am grateful for those who have never conceived before that they have this option. And I don't want to do surrogacy 30,000-50,000. I just want another babe naturally by myself. I dream about finding a newborn on my porch to be left for me to care for and that I didn't have to report it to the authorities. Is that crazy or what? I long to nurse another newborn. I give myself until I am 40, 3 more years, to fill my dream of naturally conceiving. Then I will try and move on.......knowing that it's my will, not God's.

NILMDTS

To some this may be a sensitive post but it is one that is dear and near to my heart.


I came across the organization NILMDTS, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, several months ago, Feb. '07, 10 months after losing Aaron. I sooooo wish I could have been familiar with them before our loss. We lost Adam back in 2001 and with Cheryl and Sandy starting the organization after Cheryl lost her son Maddux in 2005, it was not an option at that time. If our hospitals in the area would have been more familiar with their services, I could have been a member sooner and could have benefited from their services. Let me say right now, this is a heart calling and these photographers do a BEAUTIFUL job. (I wish I could think of a word that means 'more than beautiful' because honestly 'beautiful' is an understatement, but right now I can't, I'm just anxious to share their work.)

I believe in my heart that there isn't anything more precious than photos to hold the memories of my boys. We have some truly gorgeous photos that we ourselves took but let me tell you, they are nothing like the ones I've seen the volunteer photographers produce. (and rightfully so considering all their training and our lack of :) I have carried an album of Adam in my purse for 6 years now and at any time can open it and share my oh-so-missed angel with anyone who might ask. As I said, ours are not professional photos but they're still heirlooms. I also have a poster scrapbooked and several individual pages printed with Aaron that I have shared with many as well.

These photographers donate their time to come to the hospitals and photograph the families as well as to edit them and put them on a cd with the appropriate musical background accompaniament. There is NO charge to the hospital and NO charge to the families. WOW!! What an offering of Love.

Please feel free to visit the NILMDTS website and learn more if you feel lead. If you don't find a photographer in your area and would be interested in helping get this started in your area, you may contact Sam Puc or Cheryl Haggard via email from the website or they just hired a fulltime Executive Director, Jessica Roe, whom you may contact also.



I am currently the parent volunteer for the Joplin area. I have learned that one of the most talented photographers in Joplin, Lagow Portrait Designs, Inc., has recently joined the volunteer list and I hope to meet with them within the next couple of weeks. I will be sending brochures and 'my story' informational letters out to other photographers in August to get more volunteers and hope to meet with both of the hospitals, too. I am excited about this work with this organization as I am needing a place to focus my mind. (I am still sewing which helps but this will bring opportunities to leave the house for meetings and such.)

I have place several links to different media sources that have shared the organization with the public. Please click and listen/watch these short takes they've done.

Thank you for reading and don't hesitate to leave a comment to this heartfelt post.

In Christ's Love,
P

God is Great, But Life Ain't Always Good

My current fave song is Martina McBride's hit, Anyway. My favorite lyrics being,

"God is great, but life ain't always good. When I pray, it doesn't always turn out like I think it should. But I do it anyway, I do it anyway."

We went in on June 13th for a HSG. Things are open and the next 3 months are said to be the best time for conception. Please keep us in your prayers. It's such a trying time. It doesn't go away for moment, the thought of another babe to fill the void, the broken heart, the hole. There is nothing that would/could take the place of the beautiful family I currently have, but I pray that God has more for me!!

In Christ's Divine Love,
P