Monday, April 7, 2008

The Crazy Reality

The crazy in me wants a baby so bad, it consumes my daily thoughts.
The reality is that my God is the one who determines when/if I'll ever conceive again.

The crazy in me sees parents carrying their newborn and makes me think, "What a beautiful baby, I wish they could see my pain and offer to have another for me."
The reality is this couple loves and wants their baby just as much as I want one myself.

The crazy in me wants my older children to still be newborns.
The reality is that I love seeing them grow and mature and wouldn't trade going to all of their activities for nothin'.

The crazy in me would love to adopt or foster.
The reality is I've already had 3 babes stripped away from me, I couldn't ever face having to give back another. And, I just don't have the $30,000 that it takes to do international adoption.

The crazy in me wants to wake up one morning and find a babe in a basket on my front porch.
The reality is that with society the way it is, I'd probably become a suspect for kidnapping when returning it to the police staion.

The crazy in me would love to do IVF.
The reality is that I just don't have the $10,000/try it takes to take a chance at conception as it simply is not a sure bet.

The crazy in me wants to offer up my humble-abode-of-a-womb to carry another struggling couple's blessing baby. (I honestly asked my OBGYN about this as a dear couple friend of ours was looking for a surrogate. I was told, "You need to focus on you!" I've already had 3 c-sections, my body will only take one more.)
The reality is that I can't even successfully carry my own babes to term, who in their right mind would take a chance on me!!

The crazy in me wants a babe to refocus my mind away from my losses.
The reality is that nothing/noone will ever take the place of my losses.

The crazy in me wants someone, friend or stranger, to come forward and offer to have a child for me. Isn't that wacko?
The reality is I could never ask this of someone, it's just not 'normal'.

The crazy in me wants to use a surrogate mother.
The reality is that I just don't have the $50,000 laying around in spare change. Plus, I still have the burning desire to be pregnant and nurse again.

The crazy in me is going crazy.
The reality is that I'm such a pro in puttin on a good front that people pretty much don't ever mention or remember Aaron, let alone Adam, let alone Mae.

The crazy in me sees other 2 yr olds, 7 yr olds and 11 yr olds and it makes me imagine how it should be for our family to fill our full-size conversion van.
The reality is that if Adam was with us, I may not have my Austin and if Aaron was here, I may not have the next blessing that I truly believe God is preparing to give us.

The crazy in me can go on and on and on.........with 'crazies'.
The reality is that with God's grace, I don't have to dwell (yet still wonder sometimes) on ALL these 'crazies' because all I have to do is lift them up to Him and let Him deal with them.

After all, He is sovereign and He has the game planned and drawn out--I just have to continue to stay in the game and play it.



kennedy & friends said...

i'm feel so much joy to know GOD put you in my path! I pray that you will conceive and that this little one will come to live with us on Earth!!! i love your blog. it is so fresh. so, here i was trying to give advice to a seasoned online seller. poor old me!

luvdiving2003 said...

The crazy in you seems a little like the crazy in me. The reality in you is God in both of us. I've been blessed with an Adam and an Aaron who were premature plus 2 more. Yet maybe it seems selfish that I have a strong desire for another but can't. And like you...can't afford what the world ask for a child. So if it is in his game plan it will be given to me in the right season. You are a true inspiration and finding this blog I know is no coincidence. God bless!