Happy Birthday, Baby JAE!

I remember hanging the sonogram pictures in the teacher's lounge at school after finding out he was a boy. We did not have a first name chosen, just a middle name. JAE.....in remembrance of his older angel brother John Adam. So, until he was born he was Baby JAE.

Honestly, today is easier than yesterday. I remember it being this way a year ago, too. You see, I went into labor on the 27th around 7pm. I remember the excitement of getting the kids around and taking them down the road to Grandma Tootie's. I remember recording contractions and waiting until they were every 5 minutes, at least 1 minute long. I remember walking around the garden trying to make time pass faster. I remember Audra spilling her cottage cheese by pure accident and getting on the floor to clean it up. As I stood up, a shooting pain shot through me. (I wholeheartedly believe this is when the abruption occured----his demise. We did not suspect anything at the time.) Within 1.5 hours we were at the hospital. Checking in went fine, as a good family friend was there to comfort us. Then next thing I vividly remember is laying on the bed, the nurse saying, "I'll need to find Dr." I remember looking at Joe, getting his attention away from the tv and saying, "She's saying she can't find the heartbeat." I distinctively remember his facial expression. When the dr. came back in, she ran the sono wand over my tummy and says, "I'm sorry, I don't find a heartbeat." Instantly I am screaming, running toward the door/hallway and back/forth to the bathroom "I TOLD HER!! I TOLD HER!! I TRIED, JOE I TRIED TO TELL HER!!" "Tell her what?" he asked. "I've been telling her on the past 3 visits I'm not doing ok!! I TRIED TO TELL HER!! SHE JUST DIDN'T LISTEN!!"

So last night as 6:00 rolled around I was at the computer bawling. At 7:00, I was in the rocking chair, empty armed, drenched. Then when 10:00 came around you might as well have stuck a fork in me as I was done!

Today has been easier. Aaron was actually delivered early in the morning hours. Now, I am making plans to go to the store and purchase balloons for each sibling to write their special message on and release up to their baby brother. I will also be baking a cake----this year to hold 2 candles.

You'd think that since we've been through this once, it would be easier.........but it's not.

Thank you for hanging on and reading to the end. It truly does mean alot to me, even though I'm not the best at expressing my appreciation face to face.

XOXO
P

I Will Carry You

Another fine listen.........


I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One whose chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One whose chosen Me
To carry you

Thank you God for directing me to this and thank you Miss Angie for your beautiful soul!!

Crazy Patch Scraps of Life

I recently read a post from a blog about the book "What I Learned from God While Quilting," I'd like to share.....

"I came across several descriptions of patchwork quilts that seem to be great imagery for our lives. And as a quilter and seamstress for so many years, that was just what I needed to think about at a moment when some "yucky stuff" was hanging around our little world.

The quote that I share this week is about how we all have moments in our life when we look around and see "fragments of our dreams lying in pieces on the floor." And isn't that so much the way our lives are sometimes! When everything we've lived for, worked for, prayed for, and given our time and energy for . . . . suddenly isn't the way we thought it would be. And then, if we choose to, we can sweep up all those little "fragments of our dreams," and toss them in the trash can - or we can let God take all those pieces and stitch them together to make something beautiful. I love patchwork! But when I think about it in terms of my life story, I see how even the "yucky stuff" can be brought into the complete work of art that God is creating of me, and know that the whole masterpiece is beautiful.


So, today, as I consider the different "scraps" of my life and how they have come together in a work of art entitled "My Life," suddenly I see the "yucky stuff" of the past in a completely different light. I especially like crazy patch piecing (and isn't THAT even more appropriate as an analogy for life!) where I can take little bits and pieces of fabric, ribbon, lace, buttons, beads, charms . . . . most of them left overs from other projects, and put them all together in a wonderful design and create something that is not only beautiful but useful, as well. That's the story of our lives. A little of this and a little of that, a few pieces that maybe aren't exactly what we expected, lots of pieces that bring joy, sparkle, and beauty, all together in the finished creation that is "My Life." I hope you think about that when some of the "yucky stuff" comes your way! Pick it up, put it where it belongs, and know that even when your heart is breaking, this "piece" of life will be part of the greater design of YOUR life."

Thank you, Miss Nina, this gives me new perspective for doing what I love to do!

The Crazy Reality

The crazy in me wants a baby so bad, it consumes my daily thoughts.
The reality is that my God is the one who determines when/if I'll ever conceive again.

The crazy in me sees parents carrying their newborn and makes me think, "What a beautiful baby, I wish they could see my pain and offer to have another for me."
The reality is this couple loves and wants their baby just as much as I want one myself.

The crazy in me wants my older children to still be newborns.
The reality is that I love seeing them grow and mature and wouldn't trade going to all of their activities for nothin'.

The crazy in me would love to adopt or foster.
The reality is I've already had 3 babes stripped away from me, I couldn't ever face having to give back another. And, I just don't have the $30,000 that it takes to do international adoption.

The crazy in me wants to wake up one morning and find a babe in a basket on my front porch.
The reality is that with society the way it is, I'd probably become a suspect for kidnapping when returning it to the police staion.

The crazy in me would love to do IVF.
The reality is that I just don't have the $10,000/try it takes to take a chance at conception as it simply is not a sure bet.

The crazy in me wants to offer up my humble-abode-of-a-womb to carry another struggling couple's blessing baby. (I honestly asked my OBGYN about this as a dear couple friend of ours was looking for a surrogate. I was told, "You need to focus on you!" I've already had 3 c-sections, my body will only take one more.)
The reality is that I can't even successfully carry my own babes to term, who in their right mind would take a chance on me!!

The crazy in me wants a babe to refocus my mind away from my losses.
The reality is that nothing/noone will ever take the place of my losses.

The crazy in me wants someone, friend or stranger, to come forward and offer to have a child for me. Isn't that wacko?
The reality is I could never ask this of someone, it's just not 'normal'.

The crazy in me wants to use a surrogate mother.
The reality is that I just don't have the $50,000 laying around in spare change. Plus, I still have the burning desire to be pregnant and nurse again.

The crazy in me is going crazy.
The reality is that I'm such a pro in puttin on a good front that people pretty much don't ever mention or remember Aaron, let alone Adam, let alone Mae.

The crazy in me sees other 2 yr olds, 7 yr olds and 11 yr olds and it makes me imagine how it should be for our family to fill our full-size conversion van.
The reality is that if Adam was with us, I may not have my Austin and if Aaron was here, I may not have the next blessing that I truly believe God is preparing to give us.

The crazy in me can go on and on and on.........with 'crazies'.
The reality is that with God's grace, I don't have to dwell (yet still wonder sometimes) on ALL these 'crazies' because all I have to do is lift them up to Him and let Him deal with them.

After all, He is sovereign and He has the game planned and drawn out--I just have to continue to stay in the game and play it.

P

Check IT out!

My internet has been down for 3 days and man, have I gotten alot done around here. (no comment from Man of Mine)

Once again, the ladies at Etsy have done a beautiful job! We did the Premiere Launch of the Ginger Blossom fabric and now are in full swing of the Encore Launch.

I wasn't able to list anything during the first launch but have listed one set and will be adding the halter top probably Saturday or Sunday. I will again say, this fabric is stunning.





Oh, and for your enjoyment, here are a couple other new listings as well.





Thanks for peeking,
Have a SUPER weekend!!