Monday, April 28, 2008

Happy Birthday, Baby JAE!

I remember hanging the sonogram pictures in the teacher's lounge at school after finding out he was a boy. We did not have a first name chosen, just a middle name. remembrance of his older angel brother John Adam. So, until he was born he was Baby JAE.

Honestly, today is easier than yesterday. I remember it being this way a year ago, too. You see, I went into labor on the 27th around 7pm. I remember the excitement of getting the kids around and taking them down the road to Grandma Tootie's. I remember recording contractions and waiting until they were every 5 minutes, at least 1 minute long. I remember walking around the garden trying to make time pass faster. I remember Audra spilling her cottage cheese by pure accident and getting on the floor to clean it up. As I stood up, a shooting pain shot through me. (I wholeheartedly believe this is when the abruption occured----his demise. We did not suspect anything at the time.) Within 1.5 hours we were at the hospital. Checking in went fine, as a good family friend was there to comfort us. Then next thing I vividly remember is laying on the bed, the nurse saying, "I'll need to find Dr." I remember looking at Joe, getting his attention away from the tv and saying, "She's saying she can't find the heartbeat." I distinctively remember his facial expression. When the dr. came back in, she ran the sono wand over my tummy and says, "I'm sorry, I don't find a heartbeat." Instantly I am screaming, running toward the door/hallway and back/forth to the bathroom "I TOLD HER!! I TOLD HER!! I TRIED, JOE I TRIED TO TELL HER!!" "Tell her what?" he asked. "I've been telling her on the past 3 visits I'm not doing ok!! I TRIED TO TELL HER!! SHE JUST DIDN'T LISTEN!!"

So last night as 6:00 rolled around I was at the computer bawling. At 7:00, I was in the rocking chair, empty armed, drenched. Then when 10:00 came around you might as well have stuck a fork in me as I was done!

Today has been easier. Aaron was actually delivered early in the morning hours. Now, I am making plans to go to the store and purchase balloons for each sibling to write their special message on and release up to their baby brother. I will also be baking a cake----this year to hold 2 candles.

You'd think that since we've been through this once, it would be easier.........but it's not.

Thank you for hanging on and reading to the end. It truly does mean alot to me, even though I'm not the best at expressing my appreciation face to face.



Anonymous said...

I think of you in this month, as I do every Febuary when my first would have come. I think of you every time I see Austin, as I think of my second who would have been here with Hunter.

I love you. I can't imagine your pain and every day wish I could take some of it away for you.

The Asquad said...

thanks, cuz!!

Emily said...

God bless you, precious sister. Your son is beautiful - just breathtaking. I'm asking the Lord to be gentle with you today, as you seek healing that only comes from His hand. Thank you for reaching out to me. May the Lord bless you today, as you have blessed me. :)

kennedy & friends said...

oh man...i don't even know what to say. this must be horrible. but you are tough...i know that. i don't think i could hold up after the first time, let alone, the second time. i pray for you my friend. God bless.